Infrequently Asked Questions

Read at your own risk.

Did you actually visit this page? Pardon my surprise. Well, if you read this far, you’ve certainly earned the gift of knowledge. Let’s answer a couple of infrequently asked questions, shall we?

What’s The Deal With This Website?

This is my personal website and portfolio. It was beautifully crafted by hardworking master Dwarves to showcase my work, share resources, and publish some of the stories I write. Overall, this is a quiet place in which we can connect.

What Sort Of Services Do You Offer?

Well, it’s not a state secret. I specialize in content strategies, branding identity, and inbound marketing. But I offer a variety of writing and editing services to all sorts of companies, from large brands to your average joe’s store. I can help you with:

  • Copywriting for print (that’s brochures, catalogs, flyers, letters, press releases, pigeon messenger letters, and more)
  • Copywriting for the Web, including SEO writing and content marketing
  • Branding + Voice Development
  • Email Newsletter Copywriting
  • Video Scrips
  • Translation (I’m multilingual, yo!)
  • Blogging
  • Social media content and strategy
  • Editing
  • Proofreading

So… I Still Don’t Get What You Do

I’m a creative for hire. I’m the guy with special knowledge or expertise in storytelling and content marketing you go to resolve particularly difficult or complex branding problems, such as increasing sales, increasing brand awareness, getting visitors to sign up to your newsletter, or, finally, convert leads into sales and make you say KA-CHING!.

What Do You Mean By Creative Or Marketing Strategies?

Do you mean ideas to tell stories and sell more? Yes, I have plenty of those. Granted, they can cost a pretty penny, but the overall goal is to make your business grow in a human way. As I tell most of my new clients, give me your problems and I’ll give you ideas and how to make them come true.

I want a pony. Can I have a pony? It can be my birthday and Christmas present.

You can’t own a pony, chauvinist.

So, How Much Is This Going To Cost Me?

If I could give you a fixed price on my ideas, they’d probably come with french fries and a toy for your kids. I’ll be more than happy to provide you with quotes for general writing work and smaller based projects, once we sit down and take a cup of tea. 

All larger brand projects and strategies are priced on application. You’ll get 100 points to Ravenclaw if you give me a project that serves as creative therapy.

What is love?

Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.

Why are you so expensive? I got this cousin who knows about computers and stuff… and he can do this on the cheap

Yes, I bet he absolutely could.

And what you’ll get back is a bunch of plagiarized, copy-pasted words on a page, fulfilling your rationalized expectation.

What you’ll lack is the conviction, the tone, and the voice speaking for your brand, representing you and everything you do. You won’t get that special message from a customer saying “I was impressed with the content you just published today.”

You can try and whine about how much you are paying per word or per hour. I don’t do that. I show you the real value and emotional impact I am providing, which always focuses on a desired outcome.

What’s the process to get started?

Contact me with your details. If I think I can help you meet your goals, we’ll schedule a 20-minute call or hangout over tea to discuss your project and see if we’re a good fit. 

Once we’ve ironed out the details, I’ll send you a detailed proposal to review. Approve the proposal, sign the contract, make a 50% deposit, and let us begin!

Can you like… teach me writing, editing, the ways of the Jedi, proofreading, etc?

Great question! Although I LOVE being a teacher, I’m just not able to provide free mentoring.

But seriously, this website is already a great place for writers, copywriters, and marketers who are interested in seeing my creative process in action and want to create their own portfolio website; an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance.

If you still want to work with me one-on-one, there is also the added opportunity of meeting over 1:1 consulting or mentorship calls over a cup of tea if you’re interested. If you have any questions about this, please contact me directly.

Do You Accept Guest Posts On Your Blog?

I publish exclusively my own writing on this website – no guest posts. Why? Because I’ll hate your writing. I know I haven’t read it yet, but if it’s bad, I’ll hate it because I hate bad writing, and if it’s good, I’ll be jealous and hate it even more because I didn’t write it. Don’t send me your writing.

How many frogs do you need to unionize to create a pyramid?

I can’t tell you how I know this, but you’ll need 810216 frogs to unionize to create a pyramid, give or take. It all depends on the type of frog… and the size of the pyramid.

Maybe, it would have to be insanely good, though. Like… Brinner-level good.

Can I advertise on your website?

Ew

Can I work with you to market my toothpaste suppository business?

Yes, totally. As long as it’s all white-hat. Trust me, if you’ve got a toothpaste suppository business, marketing will be way, way… waaay down in the list of your problems.

Do you also take care of the design, photography, animation, videos, etc?

Nope — I’m a writer. I pen fat stacks of awe-inspiring words that pwn posers. But I understand that in the world of content and marketing, writing goes hand in hand with all those things.

Over years of working in the digital marketing industry, I’ve developed a solid understanding of graphic design and UX (that’s User Experience) and how they impact conversions.

I’ve also met countless badass designers, photographers, animators, video editors, and more. Don’t worry, I can hook you up.

So, how much do you charge?

Okay… first buy me some coffee, at least. Are you a cop?

I’m not cheap — and for good reason. When you work with me, you’re partnering with an experienced strategist who is NOT simply copying and pasting everything on the first Google page, he’s developing stories and experiences that will make your business grow.

I know it can be expensive yet, and trust me on this, bad writing costs you more.

Cool! Let’s do it! How would you like me to pay you? I’ve got a limited edition Pokemon holographic tazo of Mewtwo and like… I can give you exposure!

I’ll keep the tazo, but beyond that, you’ve got to understand that my work and time is valuable I know it’s hard, it took me a while to understand that myself. 

If you come to me with that applesauce of exposure, I’ll have to paraphrase Count Ola and tell you “there’s a big world out there filled with desperate clients who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments”. 

Seriously, for what I provide you with, I believe my price point is very reasonable. So if you can come up with a little bit of actual money, or find us another limited edition Pokemon holographic Tazo, I’m all in.

I need this done BY YESTERDAY! Can you do it!?

Unfortunately, my TARDIS is damaged. I’ve tried everything to fix it: even dragging the central console out into my laboratory to tinker with, and I got nothing, nada, zilch.

That being said, I’m a passionate, flexible, dedicated worker who’s more than happy to burn the midnight oil and get your project done during my most creative hours.

The only thing is, staying after hours usually means pizza deliveries and a couple of dark chocolate stouts microbrewed by virgins on the full moon. So, if you don’t mind a little increase in my standard rate to pay for these… Yeah, let’s do it.

How long will my project take?

Timelines vary depending on the project scope. It’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff. If you have a specific deadline that needs to be met, please let me know right away.

Which is Better: Tiger or Monkey style Kung Fu?

Depends on the fighter.

I just need this tiny, little task right now. Can’t you just do it once?

689 million people live in extreme poverty and no, you just don’t need a little task done right now. Get it together.

Why so many of these infrequently asked questions don’t make any sense?

Because no one in their right mind reads through a whole page of frequently asked questions. With all these questions I aim to inform, educate, and entertain you; like in everything I do. I got you reading this far, after all, didn’t I? Oh, it’s also good for SEO.

You still need help?

I’m always looking to work with like-minded brands, but I should warn you… I ask my clients to be bold, to be brave, to create things worthy of attention.

Contact Me At Your Own Risk. Contact Me At Your Own Risk.